Noticias de la nada | Buda y las paroxetinas

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Un pequeño y gordo Buda de yeso llegó a nuestra sala de redacción para contarnos su singular historia. No soy un dios, dijo en primer lugar, eso quiero que quede bien claro, pero sí soy una figura reverenciada universalmente por mis enormes superpoderes, en especial por haber encontrado el camino para alcanzar el nirvana, que es un equilibrio que libera a la mente de tontorronadas como la ignorancia, la avidez, el odio y otros estados vinculados al dolor de la psiquis, tan comunes hoy por hoy. El problema, añadió después, es que caí en manos de un taxista que me colgó del espejo retrovisor de su Yaris, un taxista endeudado que me somete todo el día al ruido del tránsito, a la música reguetonera, a las conversaciones banales de los pasajeros, sobándome además la guata en las mañanas y en las noches, pensando que de tal forma yo le facilitaré el acceso al dinero. Pero no -explicó con agobio- yo, Siddartha Gautama, no facilito el acceso al dinero, no tengo convenios con el Loto, el farsante de San Expedito o los crupieres de los casinos, menos acceso a las blindadas bóvedas de los bancos. Mi negocio es la paz interior. Y eso siempre y cuando pueda estar en silencio, meditando como lo hacía en Nepal o en la India, cosa que en estas tierras chacabucanas no he logrado, por lo que estoy bastante neurótico y he tenido que comenzar a tomar pastillas para la ansiedad, las famosas paroxetinas, que me dejan tranquilito pero medio ahueonado, como dicen ustedes. Lo que vengo a solicitar al taxista, por medio de vuestro importante medio, es que no me saque más a la calle, que me deje en la tranquilidad de su casa que pasa sola todo el día, que me deje en el mismo mueble donde tiene el perfume Adams, el desodorante Axe, los papelillos de coca y la foto de madre muerta. Allí podré estar en paz, allí podré alcanzar el nirvana, allí podré abandonar las pastillas y dejaré de llorar y de sentir rabia, dejaré también de pedir -en un mantra que repito de día y noche- que el taxi choque y mueran el taxista y los pasajeros.

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